I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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