Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
