who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
