I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
