My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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