the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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