I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
