the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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