Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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