I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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