I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
