He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
