i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize