gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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