it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
