He is such a slut. More and more my type.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
