I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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