I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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