Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize