Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You are the jesus of drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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