I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
