Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
