I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
