Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
