I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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