my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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