DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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