I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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