Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
