Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
A bitchslap is in order.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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