These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
