life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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