it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
