this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
