Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
