I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
