i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
