At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
