NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize