I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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