Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
