Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
