Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
