I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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