He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
