remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
