i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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