I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
