the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
