I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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