apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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