dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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