Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
