this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
