so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize