remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
