I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
