I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
