1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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