Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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