I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
