Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
