Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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