I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
