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she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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