Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
