Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
