Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize