im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
