I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
