You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My bed smells like the plague
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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