FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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