Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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