he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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