I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I didn't notice because vodka
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
