I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
