i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
